Give Me Chocolate or Give Me Death!
by Jediferret
Summary: Reformatted! Originally Ashley's Horrible Day. Now Jill and Claire have been brought into the mix. MEN! Read at your own risk!
1. Ashley's Day

Title - Ashley's Horrible Day

Rating – PG-13

Summary – Ashley torture and Leon confusion.

Author's Note – I wrote this story some time ago and it was very popular. But, it was taken down because of the format. So, for the sake of all humanity, I've decided reformat and repost.

This story is inspired by _Kitten Kisses 'Stomach Chewing Demons'_.

**Men… be warned! Read at your own risk! **

Ashley Graham, the President's daughter, woke to the sound of birds singing and a bright, sunny, cheerful, spring day. Unfortunately, she felt like crap. She wanted to shoot all the birds, blow up the sun and woe to anyone who came into her room at this moment. _Why today of all days? Please rain!_

She pulls herself from bed and runs to the bathroom. Afterwards, she picks out her outfit for the day; black skirt, black boots w/ black stockings, black shirt, black sunglasses and a big, black hat. She looked as if she was going to a funeral. _I need a black veil._

She wanted to go shopping and pick up some new outfits. But, at that moment, she really didn't care. As she headed for her limo, she silently prayed it was Mary Sue in there and no men. She opens the door and there sits, of all people, Leon Kennedy with a big grin on his face.

"Nice black outfit. Who died?" Leon asked.

"You, if you don't shut up."

"Touchy aren't we? I got you one of those prissy girly coffee drinks you like so much." He said, holding up a coffee cup.

"No thanks. You drink it." Ashley pouted as the limo pulls away:

Leon gags and pours it out the window as they pull away from the White House.

"I'm telling Daddy you did that!"

Leon shrugged. "Whatever. What's wrong with you anyway?"

"Other then the fact I want to die, nothing."

"You've been listening to Evanescence again, haven't you?"

"No, they're too cheerful for me right now."

Leon raised an eyebrow. "Okay…" _Mental note: Keep all dangerous weapons away from Ashley._

"Where to?" Asked the driver.

"Wal-Mart. Now!" Ashley demanded

"A little bossy today, are we?" Leon joked.

"Shut up."

She wraps her arms around her stomach and starts rocking back and forth.

Leon was starting to get concerned. "Ashley? Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"NO! I'M FINE!"

Leon was a little scared of Ashley for the first time ever. "Okay. Calm down." He flashed her his best smile and she shoots him the look of death. _Mental Note: Don't do that again._

They get to Wal-Mart.

"I'm going alone." Ashley stated as she stepped out of the limo.

"But, I have to go with you. I have to protect you."

Ashley pokes one finger at Leon's chest. "You take one step out of that limo, I will personally beat the crap out of you."

Leon holds up his hands. "Okay, fine. Whatever you want."

She climbs out and starts walking.

"You have 10 minutes then I'm coming in after you." Leon yells out the window.

She stops for a second then continues walking. After she disappears inside, Leon calls the White House and Hunnigan patches him into the security cameras. He spots her in one aisle with a huge bag of something.

"What's that? Cotton balls? Nah. What is that? Probable has to do with make-up or something." Leon muttered

"Don't you have any sisters?" The driver asked.

"No. I'm an only child."

"You poor sap." Driver says with a laugh.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Never mind."

When the ten minutes were up, Leon leaves the limo to get Ashley. Once inside, he spots her at the check-out line.

Ashley hands Leon all the bags, minus one. "I have to go to the bathroom." She tells him before running off.

"Wha…?" Said a baffled Leon.

He stands there with her bags looking at them. Inside were a huge box of chocolates, a bag of M&Ms, a romance novel and a box a Midol. _I've heard of Midol. What's it for again?_

Before Leon had a chance to investigate, Ashley comes out and snatches the bags from his hand.

"Stop looking through my bags, you pervert!"

Leon throws his hands up. "What? I didn't do anything!" He looks around at half the store is staring at him. "What'd I do?"

He leaves and gets into the limo and watches Ashley hack into her box of chocolates.

"Stupid cellophane wrapping." Ashley mutters as she drops the box on the floor. Instead of picking it up, she bends over with her head on her knees and starts crying.

Leon, trying to be nice, picks up the box, takes the wrapping off and hands it back to her. She snatches it from him with a snarl and starts shoving the chocolates in her face two at a time.

"Can I have one?" Leon asked

"No!" Ashley answered with an otherworldly voice.

"Are you possessed or something?"

Ashley growls at him.

"Okay." Leon inches up against the door as far away from her possible.

Suddenly, they pass a McDonalds.

"Stop!" Ashley yells to the driver.

"Why?" Leon asked confused.

"I have to go to the bathroom. Now!"

"But, you just went at Wal-Mart."

Ashley growls at him again.

They stop and she runs inside.

"I wanna go home." Leon mumbles as he rested his head on the back of his seat.

A few minutes later, she climbs back into the limo.

"What's wrong with you today?" Leon dared to ask.

"You don't want to know." Ashley stated

He looks at the driver confused.

"You don't want to know." The driver told him with a cautioned tone.

"I need to know. It's my job." Leon demanded

"Trust me. You don't want to know." Ashley sighed

"Yes, I do."

"It my time of the…"

Leon suddenly throws his hands up in defense. "I don't wanna know!"

Ashley lunges for him. "Too bad. You asked. You forced me to tell you, now you're going to hear it all!"

Back at the White House

A very disgusted and better educated Leon climbs out of the limo. _I lived with Jill and Claire for months after Raccoon City. How come I never noticed?_

As they walk to the entrance of the White House. Ashley starts crying again.

"I'm sorry, Leon, if I was…you know."

"Its okay, Ashley. Let's just keep going."

Ashley nods and Leon watches as she runs for a bathroom.

_I'm glad I'm not a woman._

The end

Moral of the story – If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question.


	2. Jill's Day

Title – Jill's Day

Rating – PG-13

Summary – Jill has her monthly. Can Chris handle it?

Disclaimer – Don't own Resident Evil or anything. I promise to return the characters unharmed.

Author's Notes – This will now be a trilogy. The first chapter is what men do, this chapter is what they _should_ do and the last chapter is what they _shouldn't _do.

We've paired up some characters for the sake of the story. We've even brought them back from the dead – but that's for the next chapter. We've also decided to give Chris something he's really good at besides guns and failing anger management.

Onto the story…

Chapter 2

Chris arrives at Jill apartment and sees her crying at the kitchen table.

"What's the matter?" He asked.

"Nothing." Jill responded, wiping away her tears.

"It's okay. You can tell me. Did someone die?"

Jill cries even more. "NO! Its worse then that."

"What's worse then that?"

"I need some stuff at the store and I can't leave my apartment."

"Why not?"

"You don't wanna know." Jill said with a sniffle.

"Gotcha." Chris new better then to ask further.

"I'm so glad you're here. You can go to the store for me. Please?"

She hands him a list with three items on it.

"Midol, Kotex, Tampax. I can do that." Chris said with a grin.

Jill brightens a bit. "You will?"

"Yeah. No problem. Be right back."

"Wait. Don't you need money?"

"Nah. I got it. Just sit on the couch. Think nice, happy, fluffy thoughts and I'll be right back."

Jill starts to cry again. "Okay."

At the store…

Chris whistles to himself as he walks down the diaper aisle to the feminine hygiene products. _I wonder why these are always with the baby diapers and Depends. They don't look like diapers. I think I'll get her the super absorbent, super thin, overnight maxis with oversized wings. Hmmm…Tampax. Scented or unscented? Unscented. _

He heads to the healthcare aisle for the Midol. A surprised woman sees him and approaches him.

"Do you need help picking out something for your sister?" She asked.

"This stuff isn't for my sister. It's for my beautiful girlfriend, Jill. My sister would have torn my head off by now. But, thank you for asking. Bye."Chris said with a cheesy grin on his face.

A woman behind him stomps her foot. _Damn! All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. _

At the checkout counter…

"Girlfriend got you buying her stuff?" The clerk said with a snort.

"At least I have a girlfriend." Chris said, taking a look at the clerk's nametag. "Skippy. And she's beautiful and sexy too. As a man, it's my responsibility to do what I can to make her comfortable during this difficult and painful time for her."

"Are you stupid?"

Chris pulls out his 9mm Berretta Samurai Edge handgun and sticks it in Skippy's face.

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"Absolutely not." The clerk responded.

Chris puts the gun away. "I didn't think so."

Back at Jill's apartment…

Chris walks in to see Jill sitting on her couch, wrapped up in a blanket.

"I had my period. I wanted out. Nemesis pissed me off. So…I killed him." Jill said in a very deadpan tone.

"Did I ever tell you that I really respect you as woman in every possible way?"

"No, Chris. But, it's good to hear. I'll let you live."

"Thank you? I think."

"Did you get the stuff?"

Chris holds up one bag. "I got it." Then he holds up another. "And this is for you."

Jill opens the bag. Inside were a bouquet of flowers, a box of chamomile tea, a bag of Hershey's kisses and a tub of _Death by Chocolate_ ice-cream.

"I don't care what the others say about you. You're the best and most brilliant boyfriend ever."

"I know."

"Don't let it go to your head."

Chris holds up one finger. "I have one more thing." He holds up a DVD box.

Jill smiles brightly and grabs the box. "My favorite! _Pride and Prejudice_! The AandE version. I love Mr. Darcy."

"And I'm prepared to watch with you. All five hours of it."

"Will you marry me Chris?"

By this point Chris started getting nervous. "Uhhh…let's not get hasty." He grins: "But we can cuddle. Heating pad?"

"Absolutely."

Five hours later…

As the credits roll across the screen, Chris tries to restore circulation to his arm. Jill is asleep with her head on his lap. Not wanting to wake her, he gently picked her up and moved her to her bedroom. After tucking her into bed, he leaves a note on her nightstand and leaves.

A few hours later…

Jill wakes and makes a run to the bathroom. Upon returning to her room, she sees the note.

_Hey Jill!_

_You fell asleep, so I tucked you in. I hope you feel better soon. I can't fully comprehend what you're going through, but I just want you to be happy. If you need anything, please call me._

_Love you babe!_

_Chris_

"I love that man." Jill whispers to herself.

The End

Moral of the chapter - To go to the store and get pads for your girlfriend is brave. To get them _Death by Chocolate_ ice-cream as well is divine.


End file.
